Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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