Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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