just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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