Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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