You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
