Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just sent this text using only my big toe
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
