I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize