Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You've changed since you got that strap on
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
