you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The adults are the big ones right?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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