I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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