what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
where are my pants?
in the oven.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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