If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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