I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Randomize
