my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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