dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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