Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
