Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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