it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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