you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
