apparently the secret to your success is patron
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Randomize
