saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
