My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
