tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
