I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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