I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I want her autograph on my taint
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
