By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
