I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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