I think i peed on brittanys purse
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
