did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
