Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
