My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
