apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
