We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
