I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize