How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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