Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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