Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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