I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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