I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
