the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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