I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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