So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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