he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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