She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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