why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
