He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize