Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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