Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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