I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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