i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
