I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
