I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I don't deserve a penis
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
