How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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