The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
