Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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