not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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