I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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