when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
