I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
