Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
