Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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