Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Randomize
