The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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