There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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