You just made me feel so damn special
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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