The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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