for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I didn't notice because vodka
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I want to fling myself into the sun
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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